The Luv Doc: Surprisingly Cold: Every 100 degree summer day means a thousand enthusiastic and well-meaning people will be moving to Austin – Chronicles
Dear Luv Doc,
It’s my first week in Austin and I just read your column while waiting for my tacos. I thought I might as well get started. I moved here to be with my girlfriend who started a job at a tech company in January. After a few months of trying to make the long-distance relationship, I decided to take a leap of faith and quit my uninspiring job in LA and try my luck in Austin. Since I arrived in town, my girlfriend has been very annoyed with me. I tried not to be a burden on her – I even rented storage near her apartment for my things, but I feel like maybe I made a mistake moving here to be with her. I even offered to take my own apartment, but she said no, I should stay with her. Except when she said it, she seemed really annoyed, even though we had talked about it a few times already. So, should I wait and see if she comes or should I go ahead and try to find my own place?
– Surprisingly cold in Austin
You are there on the climatological level. Late spring and early summer have been unusually cool this year, making all unicorns even more edgy as they are reluctantly wary of the pleasant weather. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, it’s never supposed to go down 66 degrees in Austin any time in June. It is clear that a Delaware-sized plate of the Arctic sea ice has recently calved up and down amid the Sargassum in the Gulf of Mexico. I know this sounds a bit far-fetched given the enormous air traffic over the Gulf, but there is no other rational solution. I guess maybe all airline pilots are concerned about UFO detection.
Ice patch or not, all former Austinites face this unreasonably and unusually pleasant weather both mentally and physically. It might sound like a slam dunk for a West Coaster like you (Hey, just put on a light sweater!) But it’s not that simple. First off, people here are still trying to deal with Snovid, which in case you missed it was this week in February when Jesus mistook Austin for Minneapolis and the power grid failed because … uh … I think it’s because windmills cause cancer or something … and everyone almost froze to death except Ted Cruz. Luckily for us, the Texas legislature just solved the problem by banning abortion and making it legal for anyone over 21 to carry a firearm without a license. Yee-damn-haw!
Even still, the real reason native Austinites don’t trust the pleasant weather is that almost every 100 degree summer day means a thousand well-meaning enthusiastic people will move to Austin, grab ridiculously artisan bungalows. Expensive and Rundown 2-1, bulldozer them and replace them with 5,000 square foot Modernist odes to the Jersey Shore. In 2002 the previous line might have been considered sensational hyperbole, but these days it just keeps it at 100. At least the one next to me is blocking the late afternoon sun, but I never see Snookie in the hot tub – or someone else for that matter – even during Snovid because, like I said earlier, the windmills against cancer, unrestricted abortions, and unreasonable laws on the guns screwed us up.
I’m not sure exactly what effect this weirdly beautiful weather we experienced may or may not have had on your girlfriend, but it cannot be ruled out entirely. Some people do not tolerate humidity well. Heavy rain always brings out a bunch of mosquitoes, flies and spiders. So there is that. She might also be a little annoyed that you packed your bags and moved here without a job. It works like a romantic gesture in a theoretical sense, but it’s a bit fishy in the real world. Presumably, you just left all of your friends and a stable income just to be with her. That’s a lot of pressure – even if you’re a self-reliant man, having breakfast tacos, reading columns of advice, and tasting exquisite, which you clearly seem to be. Of course, you can go back and give your girlfriend some time to stop being bored, but it might be best to just sit down with her and sincerely ask her what’s going on. At least you would know what you are really up against. Also, keep in mind that while she’s still annoyed in September, she can express that annoyance with an unlicensed gun, so it’s probably best to let her let off steam now, right? Good luck and welcome to Austin!